The Sexual Tension Squid
by The Disreputable Writer
Summary: Dean, Sam, and Cas steal a squid from a coven of witches. Turns out it can sense the sexual tension between them all. Bobby, Gabriel, and Balthazar also make appearances. Multiple pairings. CRACK.


A/N: For bewaretheides15's Texts From Last Night comment meme on Livejournal.

Prompt: (248) Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension.

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><p>"Are you kidding me right now?"<p>

"Dean, I know what it sounds like…"

"No, I mean are you actually fucking with me? Because that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard."

While Bobby and Dean argued over Bobby's desk, Sam and Castiel crouched around the kitchen table, staring at the creature swimming in the handle of whiskey that Bobby had emptied and filled with water. It was small, as squids go. Pale in color, with some brown spots. It was completely unremarkable expect for the fact that it was making a soft, persistent sound not unlike a smoke alarm.

"eeeeeeeeeeeee…" went the squid.

"It wasn't doing that when we first got it," Castiel observed.

"I think it started when we were driving over here," said Sam, "We didn't notice because we were too busy trying to outrun that coven of witches."

Bobby and Dean's argument got louder as they moved into the kitchen with the others, Bobby waving a heavy book and shouting, "If you stole this book from them when you stole the squid, then this is what they were working from. I'm telling you, the spell they used is right here. No joke!"

Dean hid his head in his hands. "Are you telling me that we researched for a week, tracked down a coven, broke in, and risked our lives… and then grabbed the wrong goddamn squid?"

"'Fraid so," said Bobby.

Sam and Castiel were interested now. Sam groaned, "You mean this isn't the one that kills a person via telepathy if you feed it a lock of their hair?"

Castiel cocked his head slightly as he wondered, "How many squids did those witches enchant? And why squids?"

Bobby threw the book down on the table. "The rest of it is your problem, you idjits!" he said, "All I know is that what you've got here is a squid that detects sexual tension."

They all stared at each other in a mixture of exasperation, frustration, and embarrassment. The squid began whistling slightly louder.

Castiel was staring at Dean, looking serenely baffled. "But why squids?" he repeated.

Dean sighed, "I dunno, Cas. Maybe they just like squids. Or maybe it's a sign that the human race is completely fucked in the head if a coven of powerful witches can sit down and say, 'Hey, we should perform a series of dangerous and powerful enchantments, and we should do them all on FUCKING SQUIDS!'" He clapped a hand on Castiel's shoulder and added, "If you can explain that to me, then you'll never need me to explain another thing about humans to you, because you will have surpassed me."

"Eeeeeeeeeee…" said the squid, at a noticeably higher pitch. Dean quickly removed his hand from Castiel's shoulder.

Sam pretended not to notice. "If this is the wrong squid, then the killer one is still back at the coven," he said, trying to get back on track, "We have to go back in."

"No way," said Dean decisively, "It's way too dangerous now that they know we're after them, and who the hell knows how many squids they have down there? No, we should just burn the whole place down. They can't use the squid if it's calamari."

Sam nodded. "Great," he said, "We'll go back tonight."

"I'll go back tonight," Dean corrected him, "The rest of you will stay here and figure out what to do with that squishy tuning fork." He pointed at the squid in the bottle, which had gone back to whistling at its normal background volume and pitch.

Sam pressed his lips together. "Dean, you can't kick me off the hunt just because you're worried about me. I'm fine!"

"You almost got killed back there!" said Dean, stabbing a finger at his brother's chest, "I'll be damned if I let you go back. Do you have any idea what that was like for me, thinking that they had gotten you? That you might be…" He stopped himself before his voice could crack.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…" said the squid.

Dean rounded on the squid, both he and Sam suddenly looking distinctly uncomfortable. "Shut up, you fucking squid!" he shouted, "He's my brother! It's not like that!"

"EEEEEEeeeeeeee…" said the squid, sounding almost disappointed.

Dean glanced around the room as if it were a minefield, and then finally turned to Bobby. "So," he said, trying and failing to sound casual, "What are we going to do with this thing? Do you think the coven would trade for it? Or can I fry it in garlic?"

Bobby rolled his eyes at that last remark. "Dean, what have I been telling you since you were eight?"

Dean turned slightly pink as he recited, "If I find a cursed object, don't put it in my mouth."

"EEEEEEEEE…" said the squid.

"FUCK YOU, SQUID!" Dean bellowed, leaning over the table to stare at the squid through the open top of the bottle, "You're wrong, okay? I don't have sexual tension with anyone in this room!"

Sam coughed, and buried in it was something that sounded suspiciously like, "Profound bond."

Dean rounded on Sam as if he were about to yell something at him. Then, just as he was opening his mouth, he thought better of it. "I'm just going to go sit in the corner and not talk to anyone until that thing goes away," he said warily.

"eeeeeeeee…" said the squid forlornly.

Suddenly, a voice said, "Hellooo! Looks like you all are having fun." The owner of the voice then found out exactly how quickly Bobby and the Winchesters were capable of drawing and aiming their weapons.

Castiel was the only one who wasn't startled. "Hello, Gabriel," he said in a long-suffering voice.

"Geez," said Gabriel, pushing the barrel of Bobby's shotgun away from his own face, "If I didn't know better, I'd say you weren't happy to see me."

"Gabriel," Sam sighed as he holstered his gun, "What are you doing here?"

"As a Trickster," Gabriel lectured with a straight face, "I can sense when something funny is happening anywhere in the world. I couldn't pass this up."

"Really?" said Sam.

"No," Gabriel admitted, "I've just been watching you guys invisibly for the last two days."

"WHAT?" said Dean from his corner. He looked to Castiel for confirmation. Castiel nodded. "You knew?" said Dean, "Why didn't you tell us we were being watched?"

Castiel shrugged. "He does it all the time," he said, "I didn't want to you to worry about it."

"Damn right I'm worried about it!" said Dean, squirming as if his skin were crawling, "I don't want to think about that creep peeking in on me when I'm in the shower!"

Gabriel smirked. "Don't worry, Dean," he said, "The only one I watch in the shower is Sam."

Sam looked a bit queasy. The squid said, "**EEEEEEEEEEEEE**…"

With a sudden ruffle of wings, Balthazar was leaning against the wall. "What did I miss?" he said. This time, only Bobby raised his gun at the intruder. Sam's brain appeared to have broken at the thought of Gabriel watching him every time he was naked, and Dean looked like he just didn't care anymore.

"What are you doing here?" Castiel demanded.

Balthazar pointed at Gabriel. "He invited me. He said it would be funny." Then he winced at the shrill sound the squid was making. "What is that?" he asked.

Gabriel looked extremely pleased with himself as he explained, "Balthazar, that squid shrieks louder every time it senses sexual tension." To prove his point, he sidled up to Sam and put an arm around his waist. The squid increased its squealing by a couple of decibels. It sounded as if it were having trouble keeping up the sustained volume.

Balthazar looked delighted. "Is that so?" he said. He surveyed the room for a moment, his eyes finally landing on Dean's bewildered face. With a cheeky smile, he draped himself over Castiel and let one hand wander beneath his trench coat.

Castiel's only response was an expression of long-suffering acceptance. Dean's response was to leap to his feet and shout, "HEY!"

The squid sounded like a very high-pitched jet engine.

Without warning, the sound abruptly stopped as the squid exploded quietly within its bottle. All that was left of it was a little brown cloud within the water. Slowly, a few of the larger chunks floated to the top.

Balthazar and Gabriel looked distinctly disappointed. "Aw, I guess that's that," said Gabriel, "See you around, boys." With that, both he and Balthazar disappeared.

The Winchesters, Castiel, and Bobby were left staring at each other once again, this time in mortification.

Bobby broke the silence by stomping across the kitchen on his way out the front door, muttering about finding some gasoline.

"For burning down the coven?" Sam asked weakly.

"No," said Bobby gruffly, "I'm going to pour it into my ear and light my brain on fire. Seriously, you all should just have sex with each other and get it over with already so I can stop hearing about it. Idjits."


End file.
